It has now been 2 weeks and with the funeral and the trip to Salt Lake behind me I am back in LA trying to get my life started again. I have been through a sea of emotions. I realize how I had shut her out as much as I could. Just doing what was necessary to see that she was taken care of. Her passing pushed her into the fore front. I spent some extra time driving home from Salt Lake and went though the Eastern side of Utah and Arizona. During the ride I contemplated her life, remembering what the early years were like when she struggled to take care of 6 children and my Dad. I remembered how she had this dissatisfaction about her always wanting something other that what she had. I see that dissatisfaction in myself and now have an understanding of where I got it. I hope that helps me to release it in my self.
I also have been feeling really sad. This too, was something my Mom lived with. The saddest thing is that for so long I didn't feel her. I failed to ask my Mom "what was her greatest regret in her life". I guess I didn't want to know the answer to that. She let us know all the time what she missed or wanted. That lingering dissatisfaction.
I have to apologize if this sounds harsh to those who knew her, but this is just my process. Please don't get me wrong, I loved my mother as a son should, I just didn't like her sometimes.
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